A Life Isn't A Story

A Life Isn't a Story.....but this is mine....

One day I'll tell you what these scars mean to me, to you they're just a past that you never could see, but to me they mean more than just a past story. A life is more than just a story.

Every smile I've ever given, every line has more than just what's there. A life is more than just a story, it's layers of painted art not quite perfect, beautifully calm and dark- just a reflecting pool for you to stare. You won't always see the bottom, but babe I'll let you see this time. Each scar has a story, I'll tell you of this one tonight, just promise you'll hold my hand. This artwork ain't a Picasso but it's beautiful all the same, it's in the eyes of the beholder, they'll see the bottom layer of this beautiful disaster and you'll know I'll love you always, cause you've seen past the smile straight to the pain, but you made me laugh with your own masterpiece of life and showed me the way.

You see this new scar, it was because of you and only you, I'll live with it forever and never forget it's there because I'll always love you, it will be my reminder of our time together. No matter what new paint you put on, I'll always think you're a masterpiece maybe just a little lost and confused. But life's more than just a story, it contains more than just us, life goes on and carrys new firsts and new glues. These pieces you've shared I love forever, but you took this painting off my wall and decided you'd go use, new decisions new paints darker and no longer tinted golden blue.

A life is more than just a story, I'll always love you more with each passing day.

These bottom layers only mean what you want them to, a simple past to paint the future upon. I see the joy and happiness and the past you've tried to glue, pieces upon pieces broken in more than two by two. Your painted life colored and darkened shows the most beautiful soul this life has ever seen. It's more than just a story these emotions we feel, painted deep for others to see bleeding reds and blues. Don't let the bottom of this pool of paint scare you, it's made you You. We're becoming who we are through and through. So let's forget to peel these backs off, let's leave them to slowly heal. The paint will dry, a new brush will come, you're beautiful and that's true. A life is more than just a story, this artwork is part of you. Your life is a beautiful painting to me, you know I'll love you always.

A life is more than just a story, I'll love you more with each passing day.

Hopefully you'll understand when I tell you, I'm not who you thought I was today. See this scar? It's more than just a story, it's made me who I am tonight even though it's still brand new and shiny bright. I'm not who you may want me to be, but I'll always have my hand open for you. Tonight just hold mine, and I'll tell you the rest of this scar's story, it's a painting a life of it's own for you. The bottom of this paint pool is a different color, but you know I'll always love you.I won't hold you here for long, just tonight give me the comfort I want. I show this painting just for you, because I can't lie forever with these hidden feelings torturing me over little things. My life is more than just a story, but I painted this one for you. I love you and I'm not afraid, but I know I have to throw it all away. I can't hold you here like this for long, I'd hate it if I made you stray. I'll be ok, there's always more paint when the rainbow comes, just first let the rain wash everything away. I love you, but life just isn't a fairy tale story. A Life isn't a story, it's a beautiful painting that can never be erased.

Pages of a story can be erased, re-written, or burned. An artwork as amazing as you can't be rid of the only canvas you have to paint this life story upon. You can try to cover up the spots with more paint, you'll always know what was once there. Some let it show, some learn to hide love or pain, to each their own. But your life is this amazing painting, don't let anyone throw it away, not even yourself cause you know I'll love you always.

A life is more than just a story, you know I'll always love you just the same.

Addicted

Without you I can’t breath,

you’re like my weed.

I am addicted to you.

It’s like you’re a drug.

Like a demon I can’t face down.

It’s like you’re a leash,

sucking the freedom out of me.

It’s like I just can’t breath,

without you inside of me.

It’s like I’m giving up slowly.

Like you’re a ghost haunting me,

in my dreams.

You’ve taken over me.

I just can’t take it,

just one more hit.

I promise I can deal with it,

only if you get me through this.

I’m hooked on you.

It’s like I can’t see anything,

but you.

Nothing but you,

in my thoughts,

in my dreams.

You’re everywhere,

and I can’t breath without you there.

I am addicted to you.

You’re my drug,

all I’m asking for is another shot,

please?

I’ll never get over this addiction,

So just give it to me.

                                  So that I’ll finally be able to breath

Afraid to Understand

I’m afraid to love

I’m afraid to live

I’m afraid of me

What happens when

you just can’t explain

the quirks of life

When you can’t

go back to fix

that horrible day

What if you don’t

know what’s wrong

but something’s not right

When you feel

the seasons slowly slipping by

caught only in the dead of night

What happens if

you’re not you

but somehow are still here

When life

seems like some sadistic joke

meant to twist it into lies

Will we ever know

the meaning to things

the reasons for you and me

I don’t know

about life

or even about me

The confusion

will always be

forever part of my life

I’ll never know

why you loved me

why you left me

why I feel this way  

I’ll never be able to explain

but I’ll try to except

these unfortunate happenings

Don’t look back

‘cause life is just a game

just go about playing today

Caged

I cannot breathe

I cannot pray

I cannot sleep tonight.

I cannot speak

I cannot cry

I cannot sleep tonight.

I cannot sing

A heart cannot beat

I cannot live tonight

I cannot think

I cannot blink

I cannot function right

Function right….

There’s a disease running rampant in these veins

I ache for music

Blood red notes running to my heart and brain

Letting love make the most cherished sounds

At last

These sounds make my soul ache

The memory of them

Taste, taste, they feel so sweet

Sleep….

I am the half of the whole

It said unto me

I’m afraid of light and sound

Of me

Of you

Of night

What’s wrong and what’s right?

….you once told me what I want,

That no one else mattered,

No influence outside

Only in,

That moment of reflection

Grasp of reality

Tears brought to my eyes.

I know what’s right….

Dreams, we used to once upon a time

A fairy tale ending for you and me

Felt so real

Was it a lie?

Dreams….they say what I cannot speak

What I don’t dare dream….

You coming back to me.

Words used to resound in my head

Poetry, art

Creations of beauty made in slices

Sigh in contentment

Happily lazy fed

A banana for a monkey in a zoo

A zoo,

I am caged

By whom?

Growing Up

The sweet faced baby,

eager for life.

How I wish you could have kept on living such a life of pure joy.

But no on can.

Language comes to us,

and with it lies and threats,

cruelty and disappointment.

You walk,

and those steps lead you outside the shelter of your home.

To keep the joy of childhood you would have to die as a child,

or live as one,

never becoming a man,

never growing.

So I can grieve for the lost child,

and yet not regret the good man braced with pain,

and riven with guilt.

Who yet was kind to me and many others,

and whom I loved,

and whom I almost knew.

Glad he was a man,

no longer a sweet loving child.

There was no doubt he was a man,

and yet he was a good man somehow.

The Final Line

I write in lines

Protesting as they come

From the life giving line

This mortal body shrugs

The words become surreal…

And not at all

As they run faster

Until this mortal fuel runs out

A single line in a story

A line I do not lament

Inside

Love the monster

hate what’s inside.

Find peace and

sanctuary within,

the wake of its

destruction and lies.

Looking For

We all search for unity,

to be known as something.

Yet in our search,

we miss everything.

Life is never seen,

as you try to be somebody.

We are all searching,

for that something.

To make the world seem right,

but we never quite catch it.

Those that do,

continue too far.

Pushing to see,

if they get everything.

Yet those of us at a loss,

fight for a sliver of hope.

Man verses man,

wanting for something.

Waiting to be defined,

as the world spins slowly by.

We all want a name,

other than the one we’re born by.

We want to be labeled,

to know others notice.

Receiving these names,

seemingly hurt on the outside.

Smiling on the inside,

for you know you can be seen.

I'm not an invisible nobody,

but I don't want to be what they make me.

Yet without these names,

is it possible to find what I need?

If I had never received these titles,

I would never have met you.

So if this title brought me closer,

is it so bad to be pleased?

I know deep down I'm not,

what they call me.

Hopefully you can see,

the real me.

If not why would you be here,

if you didn’t believe in me?

It's like we're animals,

classified into types.

But if not grouped together,

how would we know,

what we’re looking for?

Because when I see you,

I'm always at a loss.

I know that your not,

what they say.

You're just something else,

wonderful in my eyes.

Yet I don't know,

what you're after.

You’re beautiful,

but in their eyes a failure.

A beautiful disaster…

Looking For….

We all search for unity,

to be known as something.

Yet in our search

we miss everything.

Life is never seen

as you try to be somebody.

We are all searching

for that something.

To make the world seem right,

but we never quite catch it.

Those that do,

continue too far.

Pushing to see

if they get everything.

Yet those of us at a loss,

fight for a sliver of hope.

Man verses man,

wanting for something more.

Waiting to be defined,

as the world spins slowly by.

We all want a name

other than the one we’re born by.

We want to be labeled,

to know others notice.

Receiving these names,

seemingly hurt on the outside.

Smiling on the inside,

for you know you can be seen.

I'm not an invisible nobody,

but I don't want to be what they make me.

Yet without these names

is it possible to find what I need?

If I had never received these titles,

I would never have met you.

So if this title brought me closer

is it so bad to be pleased?

I know deep down I'm not

what they call me. Hopefully you can see

the real me.

If not why would you be here

if you didn’t believe in me?

It's like we're animals,

classified into types.

But if not grouped together

how would we know?

Know what we’re looking for,

what to find deep inside?

Because when I see you,

I'm always at a loss.

I know that your not

what they say.

Your soul shines bright,

burried beneath your troubled eyes.

You're just something else

words can't define.

Yet I don't know,

what you're after.

You’re beautiful,

but called a failure.

What are you looking for,

my beautiful disaster?

Love Turns the Whole Thing Around

A song I never finished....

All of these emotions hiding right outside my door, a flood waiting to crash down. Comes on like a running fire leaving a wake of of truth;catastrophes and blacken ashes of emotions scalded along. Wakes of blue lies, reds of passion, and gold flecks  but black, dead black and drenched are answers left behind, can’t reach through the fire of waves, everything’s gonna grow anew, a phoenix from dead fires of ash. Don’t know where anything starts or ends until there’s fire in the whole design, burn down the circle of personal lies. Downward spiral, falling into self emotions conceiving lies as truths and truths as lies. Don’t know how to fix it cause something is missin, don’t know what it is. Burned down and nothing left, all comes down to black and gray not a spot of purity left. Heart of homes, just a cage of hands held up barely keepin this beat pumping. Oh, it’s all come down to these worldly catastrophes, children dying on the inside, to many cryin late at night for this to be right. Can’t analyze, stop tryin to figure it, people only bring you down. Too much compassion heavy laid, but love turns the whole thing around.

The love I get return to me….

Do You Feel the Way I Do

There’s something wrong with this

Today just don’t feel the same

Where’s the brides breath

Life in and out lungs held tight

Do you feel the way I do?

 headache what’s this pain in my chest?

Do you feel the way I do?

Where’s the life inside of me?

React, you can’t take this

Tonight dark comes to life

Razor sharp, blurry bottles

Pills round and white

React, dead inside

Did you think you were something?

Did you think you were my life?

Well you were right,

I will carry you away from the light

Come back to the dark,

Come back to life.

Do you feel the way I do?

 headache what’s this pain in my chest?

Do you feel the way I do?

Where’s the life inside of me?

Where’s the brides breath

Life in and out lungs held tight

I will give you the breath of life

I will kiss you to life

Die and Rise into the Black Life

Why Do I Have to Write?!

So I was told to sit down and freakin write. What to write about is a different story….

I don’t feel like a poem, I don’t feel like a story really, I don’t know if I wanna write about hate, or write about love, it’s starting to look the same. Guess I’m stuck in this trap, a cycle of burning love and hate.

Okay so I’ll level with you, there’s a box I got and no you don’t want to open it. It’s not a present wrapped gift, not something lovely for birthdays or Christmas.

This box I got is something deeper, darker if you must admit this, it’s got one too many horrors not even I feel like touching it. But who does? Who wants a Halloween rocky mountain horror every day of their life? Like a preview show but you always walk out just at the height, suspense too much for one heart to take.

Yeah I got this ticking time bomb box, it’s black it’s deep and I must say I’m too afraid to open it. Though, here I go cause we all know it’s gotta happen.

What’s in my box….I don’t know but I’m tired of crying just cause it keeps bubbling over. Shit that’s pushing it up and open, I want to be able to control my box. Now it’s controlling me and my emotions.  So one two three let’s take a step in.

I got this one in my life when I come home it’s so nice, it’s warm and welcoming and it’s just about right.

You may not be an angel, for angels are so few, but until the day that one comes along I’ll string along with you.

My Hands are Shaking

My hands are shaking

But it’s not out of fear.

My eyes are crying

But it’s not out of fear.

My heart is pounding

But it’s not out of fear.

My shoulders feel heavy,

like the world is too much to bear.

It’s not these feelings of fear,

Nor anger that got me this way.

Your love sent me on a path

Completely the opposite way.

Your love put me here

There is no way out now.

Well there is one….

But it will be a sad one when that day comes.

I don’t know if I can live long

Without the sound of your voice,

The beating of your heart,

Close to my ear.

Not without your eyes shining bright,

In the daylight sun.

No your love put me this way,

How long can my body last?

How long will this love

Continue to be twined with fear?

Or is it something more,

Do they go hand in hand?

Must love be dealt with

A shove over a divide,

A crossing that could be so wide,

That your mind confuses it with fear,

That there is no leap of faith,

A leap of love?

Must the heart love,

While the brain must fear.

Or is it something more,

Must they go hand in hand?



My Heart

Has anyone ever told you,

what my heart is?

Two simple things,

teardrops upside down.

A rift between them.

I feel like a dandelion,

blowing in the wind.

The wind propelling,

pushing me to new places.

I never really wanted to leave,

but you blew my out of place.

What happened to the place,

where we sat and talked?

It felt so right,

just staying up all night.

While the sun

set in your eyes.

I remember the look,

in your eyes.

When you said this is good bye.

Not here,

not now.

This is our last night.

This freedom,

it carries sacrifice.

I’m trying to look forward,

not behind.

You let me live,

now I have to find my life.

Remembering,

my former existence.

I try to stitch my heart,

but the pain of tears blend together.

My heart of salty water,

two frozen teardrops in place.



New Dawn

When I’m alone,

staring at the ceiling thinking anything could go wrong.

Your blue eyes appear in front of mine,

and you,

singing a sweet lullaby.

When I hear a buzzing in my head,

I know something’s gone wrong.

For where is the sweet melody of your song?

The world seems all a haze,

as I glance up to see your blue eyes gone today,

and I know it’s time to start a new day.

I rush through my day,

seeing only your face within my mind.

Running through the crowd to see your eyes,

like meeting you for the very first time.

Each day goes by in a haze,

for each minute I’m in your gaze.

I can’t help but notice your body and grace,

your arms strong and welcoming in your warm embrace.

I can’t help but feel like you’re a vine,

constantly entwined around my mind.

My thoughts of you occupy all my time.

I’m afraid to open my eyes to the day.

That when I wake up,

you’ll be as fleeting as a cloud on a sunny day.

That maybe you don’t want to stay.

But another day goes by,

and you promise me you’re forever,

and you’ll never go away.

You hold me in your sweet embrace,

and soon I can taste the dawn of a new day.

Just another day for you to stay,

and say you love me everyday.

Paralyzed in Love

We went out in the night,

to dance under the moonlight.

Please forgive these few clumsy lines,

because I find I’m paralyzed in love.

We danced in circles ‘round and round.

Even without the music to sound,

the beating of my heart,

beats loud enough to hear.

Forgive me for my trembling fears.

It felt like I was dancing on a boat,

swaying back and forth in your arms.

Intoxicated by your love,

unable to talk.

I’m just paralyzed in love.

Every word you’ve ever said,

plays in my head,

over and over again,

like a slideshow that never ends.

I can’t describe in words how I feel right now.

It just seems so surreal.

You whisper softly in my ear,

but I can’t seem to hear.

My heart beating loudly with you around.

From your smile I know you hear my heart’s sound.

We keep swaying gently in the night,

under stars brilliant light.

Looking into your blue eyes,

I’m paralyzed in love.

When you whisper my name,

softly into the night.

I see your eyes full of light.

As you bend down and close your eyes.

I find to my surprise,

that I’d be fine with dieing tonight.

With the taste of you on my lips,

just from your simple kiss.

I’m paralyzed in love.

I sigh as we part lips.

I lay my head down on your chest.

Listening to your heart,

I fall into a sleepy rest.

Forever mesmerized as we dance under the moonlight.

I’m paralyzed in your love.

Robin Hood

Every gal,

has her ups and downs.

Sometimes ups,

out number the downs.

But not with you man,

yeah not with you man.

The rich guy is out of town,

and the poor gal has the crown.

She’s the ruler of her universe,

with you no where around.

Now the ups start to out number the downs,

with you kicked out of town.

She’s a queen,

she has a mind of her own,

don’t think you don’t know.

She’s her own world,

she’s her own universe;

Yes, she even has her own galaxy.

You’re just a star among all the others,

she’s got time to find a light that suits her;

The one that shines bright

warm and makes her heart flutter.

But with you out of town she’s got her ups

and not her downs.

She found her Own light,

She can survive and thrive

either day or night.

Cause every gal’ don’t need a man,

Cause every gal’s don’t need a man always around.

Smile Again For Me

What if I hate you,

can never forgive you.

What if I love you,

through it all.

Even when,

you fall.

A fallen star,

dimming in the night.

I wish I could catch you,

put you back where you belong.

To see you fall below the horizon,

hurts me every day.

I know I will be ok,

even when my life is gray.

I just wish,

you were there to light the way.

The night is crushing,

taking your soul away.

Please stay,

don’t fall away.

Get over your mistakes,

take my strength.

Find the path back,

to light your way.

I’ve watched you give up,

throw your life away.

Lose your shine,

smile and grace.

I wish you’d come back to me,

back to your rightful place.

It’s ok to be angry,

and never let go.

It only gets harder,

the more that you know.

But I’ll always be here,

to see you smile again someday.

I know I will be ok,

it’s for you I’m afraid.

These tears in my eyes,

are for the life you’ve thrown away.

Get over your fears,

and smile again for me today.

Sniper

A sniper,

resting over my heart.

You’re cynical,

razor sharp.

A welcome arrow,

through the heart.

Take me from the darkness now,

before my heart bleeds out.

Give me one last look,

before I’m torn apart.

Into the lions den we go,

scatter our pieces everywhere.

The unsuspecting people all around,

never see me drop down.

Your words cut through my heart,

hits my bull’s-eye deep down.

Splinters of my heart left,

as my spirit is blown apart.

The shatters of us left,

at an uneasy rest.

Under your skin,

feels like home.

Electric shock,

on ache and bones.

String this chaos,

and turn it into light.

There is a darkness,

deep in you.

A frightening magic,

I cling to.

Sniper,

stand down.

Leave your position,

and come to me.

Haven’t you heard?

I’m not the enemy.

Night (from my past)

Your light is bright,

while mine burns down.

Lower and lower,

till the fuel runs out.

My light a dim flicker in the night.

A cold heart,

beating slowly in my chest.

A restless sleep,

as the shadows consume,

till the dark is everlasting.

Deep and dark,

is the continuing pain.

Riven with regret,

the sharp blades cut.

Burning till the blood runs out.

The cold consuming.

A welcoming,

soothing,

gently calming feeling.

As the flames take my heart,

they burn,

intertwined with the pain.

But never feeling pain,

as I walk in shadows,

consuming the world around me.

Bit by bit,

I feel it less.

Till the monotony of life devours the light,

watching the light die away.

As the shadows become my life,

the new me.

Forever a colden heart hidden in the shadows,

with the flames of the world burning all around me.

I Love You Today

Those three words.

I’ve said too much,

but it’s never enough.

I love you.

It’s a sad excuse,

for all the things I’ve done to you.

You could be happy,

I hope you are.

You’ve made me happier,

than I’ve been by far.

You’ve lifted me up,

on my own two feet.

For the tiniest moment,

It’s all untrue.

That I’ll never leave you,

that I’ll always be near you.

But I know that you’ve worked too hard,

for me to stop and not go forward.

I’m your master piece,

helping you paint me into the world.

I couldn’t just stop,

and leave me half done.

So I’ll continue on,

but in memory of you.

I’ll go to college,

and hear a bunch of noises.

The things they teach me,

only add small details.

The art work of me,

nearly completed by you.

Someday I’ll find a guy,

and he might make you cry.

Because he’ll want to take it,

your one and only masterpiece.

But you’ll let me go on,

and hope you’ve done me just right.

I’m here today,

under your golden rays.

Illuminated,

and standing forth proud.

Because I know you’re my one and only,

Mother.

So right now,

while we have time.

We’ll be the Gilmores,

and travel together.

Mother and daughter,

inseparable at all times.

We’ll walk in the world,

together in hand.

We’ll confront the mad Kirks,

and maybe meet a few Lukes.

But you will always paint on,

teaching me new things around town.

Where you lead,

I will follow.

Anywhere you go,

don’t leave me behind in Stars Hallow.

I guess what I’m trying to say is,

I love you today!

This, This Is It (this is from my past)

My mind is done worn out from a dangerous day filled with browns, blues, and gray

But my body wears on, it’s filled with all they’ve shoved in, a need, a desire to finish

Finish what I ask? These hoops, these lies, these hopes or dreams?

My expectations might just be the death of me or the birth of a new life, which I cannot say

When will my reality of dreams come to me,

Of time meaning nothing but a feeling so sweet? Bliss even on the cold bleak days.

My mind is done body drugged on, so when I breathe you in my heroin I can’t help but find a heaven of harmony, a paradise of bliss.

A presence near, an Angel filled with nervous fears but I don’t care I find paradise wrapped up in those words and songs I hear.

A heroin of my own, a thought, a touch, a whisper and I’m gone

She’ll take me only where she knows we want to go

Live on the height of the world and not a care of those below

Up in the sky wrapped up tight, a love so full and warming it brings nothing but our own special paradise

I have no fears, limits, expectations up here. I’m free with a peace, a calm and love within.

Just the sky, a world unto us and my Angel the stars reflected in those beautiful eyes, a soul to cherish for evermore.

World vs. Life

There is a definite line between the world and life.

Many people say that life sucks sometimes,

but it is not life they hate.

Life itself is pure,

clean,

and can only be pained by death.

What they mean to say is the world stinks.

There is also a misconception here.

The world is beautiful and only man destroys it.

The only way the world could stink is from men.

The world does not suck but rather the people in it.

Without man the world would be beautiful.

But if we did not exist on Earth what would we consider life?

Would life actually stink then?

Or does it truly depend on who we are surrounded with?

If anything man is at fault and who are to blame for making "it" stink.

Whatever "it" is.

Remember

Remember Me...

For who I am, for who I was, for who I am yet to be, remember me.

Remember my face, remember my laugh, remember my eyes, my ears, my nose, my mouth, my love, my pride, my voice...

Remember Me,
Remember me...For the words I speak for the words I spoke, remember who I am, where I am, and where I'll go, remember me.

I'll remember you for the time we shared for the laughter and love we felt. I'll remember you for you, as long as you do ...remember me.

Remember me, remember me; remember.

If You Believe I Can Too

A child needs someone to look up to, and naturally most kids look up to their mother or father. Whether they have a good or bad influence on them, it's just something children do. I consider myself a grownup now, but in the midst of all the searching and wondering and mystery that life offers, I'm still a child. A child seeking approval, and acknowledgment, and love.

As we wander through this life, in whatever we do, we are always looking for approval. In school or at our jobs we need to know that what we do is good. That it matters. That we matter. The greatest fear as human beings is to be unloved.

Sometimes we keep searching. We long for someone who believes in us other than our parents. We’ve all heard that “sometimes you can't make it on your own,” and most of the time we're just not brave enough to ask for help. We are ashamed because we're in need of something other than what we have on our own.

I wanted to be a giver more than a taker. But there's a time for both. There are times we're the ones who are asked to give and other times we take. We may be surprised in how easy it is to give to others, even when we feel like we're the ones in need.

What if all someone needed from us was to share pieces of ourselves? To share our pain, our fears, our dreams, our stories. If we believe that other people matter and we tell them that they do, then we have to also believe that there are moments we will have to accept it when we feel like we can’t.

We may just find ourselves respond by saying, “If you believe I can, then I think I can.”